Shannon Miller

I just can't believe I love him so much already. It hasn't even been a month since we met online! I know things are moving fast, but he's really perfect and everything I've ever wanted, and he feels exactly the same way.... We're madly in love with each other and glad we finally met. I wish I had met him sooner, more than anything. I don't feel like I'll have much time with him at all.... But better late than never! 

 On Tuesday morning, the fire alarm went off, as it does at times (the negatives of living here). But this time it was a real fire. A battery exploded in someone's apartment. I couldn't rescue my cat, Tesla, because I couldn't find her. And it was 2 hours or more downstairs, worrying about her... she's fine... But that didn't stop my panic anymore. My stomach was upset the rest of the day.

That night at bedtime, around midnight, I went to lie down, and the stomach pains came back in full force and then some.... The pains were so bad, I could barely breathe, and I was sweating (cold and clammy) from the pain. It was so bad, I called 911 and took an ambulance to the hospital. I was there from 1:30AM to 4PM the next day. They found nothing. They even took a blood clot test, which was negative. I was alone all night and into the morning, but my parents came in the afternoon. It was awful.... I'm better now, thankfully, but my anxiety is still pretty high... I'm thinking about moving, although I'll have to jump through hoops to do so.... 

So my online friends in my Kik chatroom told me that a few weeks ago when they met Derek with me, that he talked extensively about his ex-wife (He does that), and said that he never wants to have anyone on the mortgage or lease again, ever.  I confronted him via text and he ignored me until bedtime and he says he was talking about his ex-wife and not me, and obviously we'd need an agreement that benefits us both....  I've chosen to label this a misunderstanding and give him the benefit of the doubt.... Maybe I'm stupid, but as he later said, talking about living together is way too early.... so I'll let it go for now.... Ugh I love this man... so much....  

I don't know how to communicate with people I'm dating, at all. I'm scared. Terrified. 

A little over a week ago, Derek talked about moving in together (He wants to wait a year, and he also wants an agreement similar to a prenup but just for people shacking up and not actually getting married). It sent me into a complete spiral because I was triggered. Triggered from living with Mike... Living with Mike was awful. He had full control, could kick me out at anytime, and even did once. Because I wouldn't brush my teeth (apparently it's an ADHD thing where we don't like to do what other people tell us to do). Then, there was his sisters living there, especially Hailie. I wrote a post about it and her fighting with her boyfriend. I had no control over who lived there. Then there were the cockroaches. Awful. I don't know if I can ever go back to living in someone else's space, and if I move in with Derek, it'll be someone else's place again. He owns his home, with his ex-wife. He's trying to sell, and when he does, he'll buy his own place. And he wants to live alone for at least a year, so, he'll make it his place. I won't be comfortable in that kind of situation.....

Then there's his ED that he's not doing anything about. I want to make love with him, badly, but I don't know how to talk to him about it. I probably never will... I'm good at keeping my mouth shut... There's still stuff Mike doesn't know. Like the real reason I dumped him. But back to Derek. I love him.... I do.... and I want to be with him... And I don't even know if he wants to be with me that way. Probably not... He's happy with the fooling around that we do. But how do I ask? How do I broach this very sensitive topic?

Now things I have talked to him about. When we first met, I hadn't officially broken up with Mike yet, but I had led him to believe I was single. I dumped Mike a week later (Mike doesn't even know). I felt bad about a month and a half in for lying, but it took me 2 whole weeks to finally tell Derek my "secret." He said, "You had nothing to worry about." It was no big deal. I also told him to cut his nails once lol, and I once told him I was hurt he broke his promise to me on our second date (he promised to be a gentleman if I spent the night... we wouldn't do anything but snuggle... but in the morning he used my foot to get off). That was extremely difficult to do.... so I can do it... but at the same time, I'm not sure I can....

I just now texted that I have trouble expressing my feelings because of my trauma and fear of being a burden. We'll see how he responds.